Alone is alone, not alive
by RustedDreams
Summary: So this song is for him, it's for the terrified little boy who's afraid to go to school and cries himself to sleep at night, but it's also for letting go of that little boy, because he's grown up now, and he understands that people love him, and that it's okay to love people back, it's okay to need people and it's okay to not be strong enough. 4x09 reaction fic.


"_Who am I supposed to dedicate this song to? Carmen?"_

"_To yourself"_

And it's one of the few times anything Rachel Berry has said to him makes sense. Because sure, she believes in him, and so does his Dad and so does Blaine. But the only person, the _only _person, who has ever stuck up for him one hundred per cent of the time is himself.

**Someone to hold you too close,**

All the times he'd curled up in his bed or on the bathroom floor or Mckinley's hallways, all the times he'd wrapped his arms around himself so tight that it hurt, that his knuckles went white and his muscles strained to just _hold_on. All the times he'd made himself too small to see, all the times he'd shrunk himself until he believed he could never be found again.

**Someone to hurt you too deep,**

The bitter words running through his mind, the taunts, the stabs, the ugly, derogatory things crooned in his ear. Sometimes it had hurt more than the bullies, the things he did to himself, the things he said. Sometimes the only person he'd wanted to escape from was himself. Because bullies could hurt him and yell at him and make his life hell, but he would always run away, fight back, throw a sly remark their way. But you can't outrun yourself. You can never get away from the demons lurking in your own soul, whispering sweet atrocities, reminding you how worthless you are.

**Someone to sit in your chair,**

Alone. Always alone. Even in the company of other people he had been alone, he had been the one to ask if he was okay, to pick himself up off the floor. To remind him how special he was. He'd been the one to fetch him a blanket and a coffee, to give himself a hug and tell him that everything would be okay. He had been the only one willing to sit through the night with himself.

**To ruin your sleep.**

And oh the nights they had sat. He, himself and Kurt, unable to sleep for the words running havoc in their mind, the memories playing out again and again and again, like some horrendous torture he'd made for himself. He'd held himself tight, holding his own hand and waiting for morning to come. The sleepless nights they'd had together would forever be engraved on his mind.

**Someone to need you too much,**

Because who else was going to need him? Really? Who else was going to root for him and comfort him and love him? Who would he want to confide his secrets in? Who would want to listen? Who would care at all let alone too much?

**Someone to know you too well,**

Every flicker of emotion, every glance, every movement. Everything he does when he's sad or upset. No one can read him as well as himself. No one knows when he needs help; no one is going to give it. He knows what makes him better and he knows what's going to set him off, people who treat him like or child or when someone thinks it's a good idea to touch him when he's upset, only he knows how much these things will anger him. He knows exactly what to say to make himself cry, to push himself over the edge and down the well into that wonderfully dark abyss. And he knows how to get himself out, too many years of clawing and climbing until his fingers bleed has given him some insight.

**Someone to pull you up short**  
**To put you through hell.**

Oh what fun he'd had, on the days when he couldn't sleep and he couldn't eat and all he could do was remind himself how terrible he is. The days, weeks, months, years he had spent in his own personal hell. He'd put himself through it, he'd known far too well what would hurt him. He'd used it. It had festered and boiled and he'd encouraged it all the way, it was a sick game with himself, the victim and the villain, the side that hurt and the side that channelled that pain into something vindictive and evil to use against himself, again and again, night after night, year after year, spent in that hell. Both sides of him had cried as they burnt.

**Someone you have to let in,****  
****Someone whose feelings you spare,**

But then again there were the times when he'd told himself he was better than everyone, when he and his own superiority had protected him from everyone around him. He'd saved his own life in a way, had decided to make himself feel better rather than worse, it didn't stop other people bringing him down but at least he had an ally. At least he had a friend.

**Someone who, like it or not,****  
****Will want you to share****  
****A little, a lot.**

He'd made himself better, he'd talked about his feelings in writing and song and low whispers in the middle of the night. He'd dared himself to feel, to embrace, to succumb. He hadn't wanted to, there were days when he hated himself more than ever, when he hated everything he did and everything he'd become. But in the end he was always there to listen.**  
**  
**Someone to crowd you with love,**

Expensive clothes and hair product and music, he'd showered himself with gifts and money and praise. Because who else was going to? And people called him a diva, they said he was self-centred and conceited and arrogant and quite honestly he couldn't care less. Because he _was_ out for himself, he put himself first because he knew no one else was going to.

**Someone to force you to care,**

He didn't care. It had got to the point where nothing bothered him. When he didn't want to get out of bed or eat or sleep or sing or talk. He hadn't cared, but he'd promised himself he would. He would get dressed and fight Rachel for solos and go out with Mercedes and some days he despised it, some days he wanted to be numb and apathetic and completely out of touch with the world. But the days when he would smile, just once, they made it all worth it.

**Someone to make you come through,****  
****Who'll always be there,**

People leave. Friends get better ones and parents die and boyfriends cheat on you. But he would always be there for himself, holding an expensive scarf and a warm cup of coffee , with feel good movies and a bar of chocolate. He would always be there on the nights he has nightmares and the days when he just wants to curl up and cry, when no one else is going to make him feel better, he always offers a warm embrace. He's not always needed, but he's always there.

**As frightened as you****  
****Of being alive,****  
****Being alive,****  
****Being alive,****  
****Being alive.**

There were days when it had terrified him, when he hated his own heartbeat, when he just wanted to give up. There were days when breathing had scared him, when the very fact that he could feel and think and breathe had been the very thing that kept him awake at night. He'd been scared of teachers and tormentors and the world itself. He'd even been afraid of his own mind, but by the time he got around to being afraid of his own lungs, his own pulse, he'd known that it was because they were all he had left, and the very thought of living to see the next day had been far worse than any monster round the corner or demon in his head.

******Somebody, hold me too close,**

But it hadn't just been him. Not always. There were days when his Dad would see through his charade and would wordlessly hand him a hot chocolate or a smile. There were nights when he would wake up crying with his Dad's arms around him, when a hug was all he needed. There were days when he'd never let go, when his father's hands held his and when he didn't have to fight his battle alone.

**Somebody, hurt me too deep,**

And there were days when it had hurt, when he'd felt like the worst son in the world. When Finn and 'guy talk' and football had all seemed far better than he ever could be. His Dad had never really understood him and it had taken Kurt quite a while to realise that that didn't mean he doesn't love him.

**Somebody, sit in my chair**

Nights spent curled up on the couch watching movies neither of them enjoyed just so they could hate them together. All the times one of them had fallen asleep there and the other one had pulled a blanket over them. The times when Kurt hadn't pushed for dinner at the table and they'd just eaten take out off of their laps while watching reruns of Friends.

**And ruin my sleep**

He's lost count of the amount of times his Dad woke him up getting a midnight snack, or when he'd come home late from a date with Blaine to find that his Dad had fallen asleep in the living room waiting for him. Not every sleepless night had been spent alone, certainly not after his Mum died, the two of them had sat in their silence. Neither sleeping, neither speaking, just being together.

**And make me aware****  
****Of being alive,****  
****Being alive.**

So no, he was not the only person rooting for him, he had a number one fan, someone who had and would be with him through countless changes in style and direction. Someone to smile with him on the good days and hold his hand on the bad days. Someone who put up with him at his worst and loved him all the more for it. Kurt had become far too independent over the years and for a while he had forgotten that it was okay to still need people. So while he had struggled through a lot on his own, he had never been alone.

**Somebody, need me too much,****  
****Somebody, know me too well,**

All he had wanted was a friend, someone to be nice to him. It was why he had clung to Finn and Sam and even Blaine, because he wasn't used to people being nice to him, and he had liked it. It seems silly now, with all the friends he _does_ have, but sometimes he still feels like that lonely little boy spending his weekends alone.

**Somebody, pull me up short****  
****And put me through hell**

He'd gone through hell, he'd been broken and bruised and pushed around so much it felt like he wasn't in control of his own body. But he'd made it through that, he'd pushed back and he'd run away- for a little while- and he'd come back stronger than ever because no one pushed the Hummels around, and no one is going to break him.

**And give me support****  
****For being alive,****  
****Make me alive,****  
****Make me alive,**

He remembers having to sing duets with himself because no one else would, having to fight tooth and claw for a solo, having to scream and shout and support himself for even the tiniest bit of appreciation. It seems it was all worth it now, he may not have got a solo at every competition, the lead in the school play or as much as anyone else in glee club, but look where he is now, on stage at one of the most prestigious performing art schools in New York, and where is everyone else?

**Make me confused,****  
****Mock me with praise,**

This song is for himself, because he knows he can do it, he knows he can get into this school. He is just as good as Rachel, hell his first audition was better, and he doesn't need to whine and complain to get what he wants, he doesn't need other people to see it, because not many people have. All he needs is himself and his talent and he knows he can do this. This song is for him.

**Let me be used,****  
****Vary my days.**

People had only pretended to care when they needed him, the way everyone suddenly decided to protect him when he said he was moving schools and the way Mr Schue offered him and Mercedes a solo only after they went and joined the cheerios. But he has always known, he has always cared.

**But alone is alone, not alive.**

Alone. Alone. Alone. Always alone, he'd spent so much time with himself that he probably wouldn't have even noticed if he wasn't alive. He couldn't tell the difference. It wasn't really living what he was doing, it was surviving. He's not alone anymore though, he prays he never will be again.

**Somebody, crowd me with love**,

And then there had been Blaine. Blaine Blaine Blaine, his prince Warbler, his knight in shining armour, his first love, and it seems that too many years of idolising that wonderful boy have come back to bite him. His prince isn't so majestic now, his knight is just a man in silver and his first love is quite possibly his last love. Because he still loves him. He hates him, but he loves him. His prince, his knight, his love, he's his best friend and no matter how much Kurt hates him, he will always love him. Blaine had cared, Blaine had been the first person since his Dad who had actually believed in him, fought for him, _loved_ him. And maybe Kurt had made him out to be better than he was, had set him up so high in his expectations that the first blow could threaten to destroy it all, but he loves him, and Kurt is far too strong to let anything destroy him now.

**Somebody, force me to care,**

Blaine had never let him give up, even when both of them had wanted to, he'd worked through the night with him to help with school campaigns and college applications. He'd made Kurt get up and face the world, he'd smiled and held his hand and even when Kurt didn't want to, he'd forced him to care. For the first time Kurt had found he wasn't alone, that other people were capable of loving him just as much as he himself does, possibly even more so, and the fact that someone else supported him had actually come as quite a shock.

**Somebody, let me come through,  
****I'll always be there,**

It was a promise that had gone unsaid between both of them. I'm never saying goodbye to you. It was true, even if they weren't together-and god Kurt hopes that isn't all that's left for them- even if they're just friends, it's something they are both certain of, they will always be there for each other. For support and fashion advice and love. They are never saying good bye to each other.

**As frightened as you,****  
****To help us survive**

They will get through this, they both have their fair share of demons they've faced and this will just be another one, a bump in their yellow brick road. Because they are both terrified, of the world, of each other, of themselves, but they can get through it, because that's what they do. They fight, they defend, they survive. Princes, knights, lovers.

**Being alive,****  
****Being alive,****  
****Being alive!**

So maybe for a lot of his life Kurt had been alone, he's never really opened up to anyone, or asked for help, and for a long time he thought that meant no one wanted to give it, he thought that meant no one cared. So this song _is_ for him, it's for the terrified little boy who's afraid to go to school and cries himself to sleep at night, but it's also for letting go of that little boy, because he's grown up now, and he understands that people love him, and that it's okay to love people back, it's okay to need people and it's okay to not be strong enough. So he sings for himself, because he deserves it, because he deserves this school and his dream, and he remembers other people, because he deserves them too.

And then he remembers something else Rachel had once said to him.

"_I know you're lonely, but you're not alone."_ And he knows that he never has to fight a battle alone again.

**Thank you for reading feedback is appreciated :)**


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